How RAYE’s ‘Ice-Cream Man’ helped me heal
Tirza Sey discusses the powerful healing role RAYE’S music has played in her life.
Trigger warning: this article contains discussions regarding sexual assault and substance abuse.
RAYE performing at Pryzm, Kingston. Photo by Drew de Fawkes via Wikimedia Commons.
British singer-songwriter RAYE released her debut independent album ‘My 21st Century Blues’ in February 2023, following a dispute with her old label company. Soon after, RAYE recorded a live performance of her album at the Royal Albert Hall alongside Heritage Orchestra. When my friend sent me the link to this version, I immediately pressed play. ‘Oscar Award Winning Tears’ began blasting in my ears. I listened in awe at the sound of her voice paired with the musical production; the contemporary jazz style of the songs made me fall in love with the album all over again.
Then track 11 started. No song, just words:
‘I know I’m not alone when I sing this. If you can relate to this song, I’m so… sorry from the bottom of my heart, and I’m singing it for you right now, with my whole heart.’ ‘With my belly out and everything. And I wanted to do it like this, cause that’s how it… feels, when I sing it. I feel naked as f*ck.’
Instantaneously, I knew that she was transitioning into ‘Ice-Cream Man’, but nothing could’ve prepared me for the song live. Stripped down to her nude-coloured underwear. Her chilling voice reverberated against the walls. Simple, bare chords, accompanied so poignantly by the sound of the strings, the song began:
‘Came in like the Ice-Cream man,
Till I felt his ice cold hands,
And how I paid the price now damn’
…
‘’I should’ve left that place as soon as I was in it,
Goddamn dare do you do that to me really’
Live at the Royal Albert Hall, RAYE demonstrated the ultimate form of vulnerability, vocalising her experience of sexual assault to an audience of over 5000. We journey through her struggle as she explores the emotional toll she faced in the aftermath. Whilst the lyrics are largely reflective and upsetting, there are pockets of confidence sprinkled throughout the song. RAYE describes how performing Ice-Cream Man is her vindication, her ‘way of getting to scream through the flipping microphone’ calling them out and exposing them for who they truly are. To her, this way of reclaiming the narrative is ‘the real power’.
‘See everything you did it left me in a ruin,
And no I didn’t say a word I guess that proves it,
I’m a woman…’
It took RAYE nine years before she spoke up about her assault. Seven years before she finally broke free from the confines of being a ‘feature singer’ and independently released her album. She has grown exponentially in fame despite being ridiculed that she ‘would never have a fan base enough for anyone to care about an album’. Her most known song, ‘Escapism’ (featuring 007 Shake) has amassed over six-hundred million Spotify streams and a No.1 in the UK. She was also shortlisted for ‘Album of the Year’ for the Mercury Prize (2023).
And then I fell into some things that weren’t healthy,
A place where no one heard me asking them to help me,
But I needed help, I did…’
RAYE doesn’t shy away from discussing her battle with drug use; it is a prominent theme throughout the album, particularly explored in ‘Escapism’ and ‘Mary Jane’. In an interview with the BBC, she explained that ‘when you keep things in like that, they eat away at you from the inside, and for me…substance abuse was entangled with numbing the trauma that I had experienced.’
‘And I'll be damned if I let a man ruin
How I walk, how I talk, how I do it
Man, I've been broken for a moment, I've been through it no
It's even harder to be brave alone,
Was a girl, now I’m grown, I’m a woman,
A very f*cking strong woman’
The song ended and I sat in silence as a tear trickled down my face. Partially shocked by the way I now understood it; in a way that I never thought I’d be unfortunate enough to understand. A new meaning had been unlocked, uncovering a layer of me that I wasn’t aware existed. It catalysed my realisation that I was a victim.
'Cause I put on these faces pretending I'm fine
Then I go to the bathroom, and I press rewind
In my head, always going round and round in my head’
I’d never been able to properly articulate the feeling before. In a society where we are conditioned to tolerate behaviours and make excuses for others, I fell into line. I tried to rationalise my emotions, hide them away for no one to see, and pretend that everything was fine. Not only did the lyrics in ‘Ice-Cream Man’ encapsulate this so perfectly, but it also evoked in me this unexplainable yet undeniable strength to finally speak out and seek the support I needed to begin healing.
So, this is to anyone who is enduring a constant battle with their traumas. There may be days where you can’t see a way out, where past thoughts start crawling their way to the front of your mind, where it feels like you’re regressing back into old habits. I can only remind you that self-healing will never be linear. Despite being in the face of adversity for nearly a decade, it was RAYE’s talent, sheer determination, and unfathomable strength that prevailed. She stands as affirmation that there will always be light at the end of the tunnel. So, as my journey of healing continues, ‘Ice-Cream Man’ will continue to remind me that ‘I'm a woman, a very f*cking brave, strong woman.’
If you have ever experienced sexual harassment/violence, help line services are always available. You don’t have to suffer in silence.